Not any anxious child, my anxious child:
This is the type of post I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, I’ve written different versions of it in my head over and over again. Sometimes it’s around 4am after a ‘bad‘ day when I can’t sleep, sometimes it’s when I need a break from an ‘outburst‘ and retreat to my bedroom and sometimes it’s when I go to bed and really ought to switch off from ‘medical emergencies‘ and allow myself dream.
…To dream, that’s what brought me here on this occasion. My dream. You see Glutarama morphed from an earlier blog that I began effectively as self-therapy. It was borne out of a wonderful piece of advice from the counsellor I had when I was still at work. She told me to write things down. I do this on a day-to-day basis anyway, lists, post-its, notes all designed to alleviate the ache in my head of continually going through my to-do-list (like every other mum on the planet, it’s a very big to-do-list). However, with anxiety, something I’m rather prone to, I found typing my thoughts out really helped. I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone in a similar position.
Anyway, back to my dream. It was one of those ones where it’s a normal morning routine. But I’m setting out from my parents house and I’m getting the kids ready for their first day back at school, but it’s not their school, you know the sort. To cut a long dream short, the kids set off without me, I couldn’t catch up, everything was heartbreaking and then it rained. (that really is the abridged version you’re getting)
I’ve talked about these issues before in earlier posts/pages:
Without actually reading each post (unless you wish to) you get the gist of what’s going on just by looking at the titles. Today is the last day of the Easter holiday’s, my two go back tomorrow to their lower and middle schools. Like most other parents I should be breathing a sigh of relief tomorrow when my two are back at school. I kind of do, but there are milestones I have to reach in order to achieve that momentary sigh.
There’s the 09:30 milestone – Lewis made is past registration, 11:30 milestone – Lewis made it past breaktime, 12:10 milestone – Bethany’s blood sugars were okay for her lunchtime bolus, 13:00 – Lewis made it through lunchtime, 14:25 – Lewis has a 95% chance of making it to the end of school at 15:25. Then there’s the 15:50 alarm bell if Beth isn’t home yet, this is when I go into panic mode that she’s hypo’d on her way home! Thankfully, after this happened once, Lewis always goes to the school to meet Beth on our way home and she and Lewis come up the hill together. It’s something he wanted to do following a reading she had of 2.2mmol at the end of school one day and I allowed it giving him a little bit of control over the situation, he does so worry about her you see.
I actually have an in-body alarm clock set to recognise these times of day and I automatically check my phone, despite it being set to loud with a different ringtone for the schools (not sure why I do that, it’s a really dramatic tune as well, talk about making the heart skip a beat!)
…The garden looked beautiful this morning, the sun shone and the skies were deep blue, a gorgeous day, albeit a bit chilly. I love my garden and you can often find me taking photos of blooms as they come out to say hello…
It’s taken me 4hrs to get to this exact point. Lewis has been fab all holiday but today we experienced one of his meltdowns. He’s knows it’s school tomorrow and he’s not happy about that but he doesn’t express this in words, rather more actions…I’ve understated that last comment (sigh). I ask Beth and my two nephews to come into the house and play upstairs. As I watched him loose control in the garden and smash his beloved stick, which to be honest was more like a huge woodworm riddled branch, then turn the trampoline on it’s head and then thrash at the lawn with his baseball bat. I felt my shoulders tighten up a fraction more, were I to wear dangly earrings they’d be touching my shoulders by now! My tension headache pounded a little more intensely and my teeth clenched and jaw tightened. This is my default position for at least 50% of the time now. It’s a tiring workout and I wouldn’t mind but I’m seeing no benefits where I was to see them, take my 39yr old tummy, I mean, come on now not even weekly Pilates lessons are sorting that out! I do have solid jaw muscles though!
Once I felt Lewis had expended enough energy I went out to join him, first taking down the washing from the line talking to him about the new blooms that had come out that day, ‘I think it may rain later’, that kind of thing. I saw my opportunity and seized it. He gets stronger every time we do this so today was a struggle (maybe that’s the purpose of my daily tension workout?). I got him in my bear-hug pose and we went down to the ground, wrestling on the up-turned trampoline, convenient really as the lawn was very muddy on closer inspection. I cuddled him and his struggle diminished, turning my head to look at my flower beds I took deep slow breaths in the hope he would follow my pattern, he did. We lay there for 5 minutes, I can only imagine what the neighbours must have thought!
‘Hot chocolate! that’s what’s missing, do you want squirty cream and marshmallows?’ Lewis agreed this would be a great idea and I set to work on making four hot chocolates for my two and my two nephews. Peace resumed laughter was heard and playfulness continued.
As I type this last section, I look out onto a garden sodden with rain and skies of a uniformed uninteresting grey. Jaw unclenched but aching, shoulders lowered a little and sore. Lewis sits on the sofa munching a slice of freshly baked banana bread and I can hear the infectious giggles of Bethany watching some Vine ‘try not to laugh’ on her phone no doubt. Okay tomorrow, I’m ready for you, bring it on.